updated 05/20/01

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Yeah, I know.. a rip off from Craiggers - but his show is pretty much sucking right now (should have stayed with The Daily Show), so I don't feel nearly as bad as I would normally for stealing his stuff.  I think I could do a better job with it anyway. 

So here it is, my words of wisdom to take you through your day (or couple of days as you will cut me some slack on how often I update this).  You can even ask a specific question to me (via email - not icq) if you want some specific "wisdom" from me. 
Here is some non specific wisdom: 

So I am not believing what I am watching on HBO right now - and worse, it's a real story. No, it's not Autopsy 5 - The Food Clues in our Stomach (which was really nasty by the way) and we know it's not porn since HBO is apparently trying to clean their act up (please don't ask me how I know that - let's be adults here). They have a documentary about little Jon Bennet protégés and their overbearing moms and the sad sad lives that these concubines-to-be must lead until they find that abusive boyfriend to move into their trailer at the ripe age of 16 with two kids.

I am shocked and amazed at what these moms will put their kids through to gain a crown that is bigger than most Vegas show girl headdresses and a banner that would be more than likely used for a roll of toilet paper as most of these girls are babies (there is a category for 0 to 18 months - I can't even remember what was going on at 18 months much less be able to look cute "on cue").

Their mothers are teaching them the all important skills of singing country, using a Be-Dazzler to imitate every stripper gal costume you have ever seen on every article of clothing they own, and learning that if they aren't perfect then "Mommy doesn't love you anymore." They are also learning that other children in your age group are competing against you and therefore your enemy and that hair spray is a life attaining fluid that must be formed in a marine shellac shell around your head at all times.

Watching this one girl's face fall as she is practicing her country singing in front of her mom almost brought me to tears. She apparently screwed up the "jazz hands" or something equally as important in the real world and her mother frowned upon her. I swear if that woman had a cigarette lit and it wouldnt' have counted points off - she would have burned that girl square on the forehead in an effort to teach her "how mommy likes it." The little girl immediately senses her mom's disdain for being and acting like a five year old instead of a 22 year old burlesque dancer and tries to tell her "I love you Mommy - can we please get some food - my stomach hurts" while mom scowls. I am reminded of the the Oliver Twist book quote "... Please sir, can I have some more" except that that man was more humane and allowed the actual intake of food at regular intervals instead of trying to make sure his kids were thinner than heroin addicts.

You might think I am a little harsh, but at what point does a parent look at a five year old and decide that her daughter needs to learn how to put on makeup, wear more sparkles than a drag queen, and learn how to "tease" the audience by a hip wiggle and a lip pout? My mom wouldnt' even let me do any of that until I was at least 16, or out of the house and at least not in her line of vision. The most I could do when I was five was chew with my mouth closed - and I still had to work at that. I would sooner work at one of Kathy Lee's sweat shops than have one of these ogre's for a mom at that age.

Then I take a look at the mom. If I didn't know better I bet she was related to Jolene the Trailer Trash Queen. Her fat ass sits in this plaid overstuffed couch in her double wide trailer while she barks out orders to the little girl who you can tell is just about at her breaking point. Mommie Dearest has cigarette in one hand and is turning up her nose and tossing her damaged root-showing hair at the fact that the girl can't walk in her three inch heels as well as the one on TV that has sixteen crowns and as many neurosis' and mental problems to match. For all the money that she has spent ($70,000) she could have taken it and spent it on plastic surgery, liposuction, a new home and perhaps some therapy so she can stop raising a psychopath. Maybe she would then feel like she has "conquered her shortcomings" - which apparently she is projecting on this poor eyeshadow and lipstick ridden girl.

Thank god that her child wins something, I would hate for her slave driver to put her back in the cage with the other untrained "puppies" soon to be sold into white slavery for a pretty penny. I assume that's how she got her in the first place as I hope that social services would never put up with the way this monster is treating her girl. Alas, I know differently and can only hope that when this kid grows up - she kicks her mom's ass all around the trailer before burning it to the ground with her mom tied to the hitch by all the sashes her daughter won. You go girl.

At the end - the as her daughter wins - we are left with the image of the girl in her too short miniskirt, whore red lipstick, crown and sash, complete with holding a stack of twenties and a big smile. If I didn't tell you about the crown and sash and that she was five - what would this have made you think of? I also was thinking that she would do more than just table dances for the right price.

BTW -Here is the closest I will ever feel to being a pageant winner

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