updated 4/27/00
Yeah, I know.. a rip off from Craiggers - but his show is pretty much sucking right now (should have stayed with The Daily Show), so I don't feel nearly as bad as I would normally for stealing his stuff.  I think I could do a better job with it anyway. 

So here it is, my words of wisdom to take you through your day (or couple of days as you will cut me some slack on how often I update this).  You can even ask a specific question to me (via email - not icq) if you want some specific "wisdom" from me. 
Here is some non specific wisdom: 

So I was watching Montel Williams today. I don't think that he is quite as bad as some of the other talk shows (springer, sally jesse) but not legit enough to be like Oprah. I mean, if you were suddenly asked to be on the Jerry Springer Show and you had no idea as to why, you should immediately turn it down (if you still have all of your teeth and the place you live in can't roll away during a storm) and demand to know from your "friend" why he/she wants you to be there. Usually the friend becomes your next sniper victim after the show. On Oprah, you immediately get a makeover and start writing a book to plug on the air as homemakers everywhere scramble to get the latest book that she advocates. However, usually her show is tame and is the one you fall asleep on the couch during her "touching Oprah moments."

Anyway, Montel didn't disappoint this time around. He had a psychic on to talk to the dead, help personal problems with boyfriends, predict future sales at Macy's, etc. But she wasn't the loving, caring psychic you would see on those late nite informercials. She looked like a cross between Phylis Diller and a frog - complete with the matching 70's makeup and the personality to match her looks. She was also what I would call the Cynic Psychic. Not only does she like to give out bad news, but she wants to make sure that the person felt the same way a four year old does after he discovers there is no Santa Claus. She took great glee in informing people that their man was trash, or that a dead grandma's soul was in great pain, but she didn't know how to solve it, or better yet, that a person on an organ transplan list wasn't going to get his heart in time.

How dismal can you get? I could have been better suited for this job and I have about as much tact as a snotty debutante noticing a bad nose job at the ball. The least this woman could do was to offer up some good news (i.e. yeah, your man trash, but in three short years, and after 4 bad men, and a shitty haircut, you meet a decent guy) or to at least not cackle when delivering the news or be short with the person.

So then I was thinking, how do you go about applying for the job as psychic? I have never found an ad in the paper looking for a person who is in with the paranormal. And I have yet to find one of the TV Psychic Hotline shows who display their "credits" (for lack of a better word) that "prove" they have been certified by some Psychic Association. The resume alone would be hilarious. How would you get in touch with the references? Hold your own seance to see if the spirit really did "talk" to the alleged psychic?

Now I do like to have my tarot read sometimes. But it's kinda fun to have your cards read by your pals who will tell you fame and fortune are coming your way and not be informed that death destruction are close at hand.

btw: Montel should have had Kylie on his show

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