So I am really pleased that an internet pal of mine, JM, who has frequented my site since its first horrid html beginning, has decided to let me achieve full slacker status this holiday weekend and be a guest writer for this particular Moment for Us. I hope you dig it as much as I did.

What are “ Drones “?

Well other than the standard Star Trek Borg reference they are people that seem to be oblivious to reality outside their own self. See Narcissism. It’s easier to give examples:

1) The Drive-Thru Drone - This is an individual ( or group ) most likely in a mini-van who has waited for about 5 minutes before their turn at the order-board. They get their turn at the board and sit there….. for at least 3 minutes ( time is slow while looking at stupid people ) before placing their order. Generally this breed of drone will look all over the place in the mini-van to confirm that the people ( most likely children ) are satisfied with their orders. They then pull ahead letting you place your own order which ( since you have a general working knowledge of the menu ) took about 30 seconds. You pull in behind the drone. The drone then seems to take about 3 minutes to pay for their order. They are apparently looking for exact change. The drone pays. You pull up and pay with bills… you toss the change into the ashtray and pull ahead. The drone then sits there and makes sure they got everything they ordered….. and adds something to the order while they’re at it. The drone pulls out of the line and parks about 3 feet from the exit. You collect your order and wait about 30 seconds before blowing your horn ( the moron… sorry… the drone seems surprised that by blocking your exit you might be a bit pissed ) and you get flipped off or yelled at.

2) The Bank Drone - This breed seems to take all of the attributes of the Drive-thru drone… especially in the drive-thru lane. While walking into a bank to do some business you would expect people who have money would be able to read…. Not necessarily so. You are going in at about 1:30pm to make a deposit… since anyone with a brain would know you have to do if your deposit will be credited to your account that day. Perhaps I am cursed by GOD but I always get behind an old man or lady who apparently should never have been let out on her own and certainly should not be driving a car ( see later numbers on that ). The old drone always wants way more info than one would actually need to deposit a check or cash.

3) The Supermarket Drone - Multiple drones are here so bear with me.

A) The Cart Drone - This sort of person will be sitting in the aisle chatting with another like minded drone…. Completely blocking the aisle and when you pull up behind them apparently you are in a different universe because they do not even look at you and if they do they get back to their conversation totally ignoring you. When you cough into your hand ( the polite way of saying MOVE THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY! ) you get a look, or statement, which seems to say, “ Geez what is YOUR problem? “.

B) The Register Drone - These types really frost me. They have about 50-60 items in their cart and wheel it up to the “ 12 items or less “ lane. Now when shopping at a new market I have been guilty of the same offense but I grabbed all my stuff and headed to another checkout….. not these drones. I have been behind many a shopper who has wheeled their cart up to that lane and started unloading it and have said to them…. “ Uh Maam… this is the express lane. “ I generally have gotten a nasty look and been told to get fucked….. no lie. The cashiers are apparently too afraid to tell the customer that the lane is for 12 items or less but get cow-towed by the drone.

4) The Driving Drone - personally these people scare the crap outta me. Talking on a hand held cellphone while waving the other hand ( which should be on the wheel ) all over the place. The drone at the stoplight who has apparently decided that now would be a good time to look for lost stuff under their seat…. And when the light turns green and you honk for them to go…. They flip you off. The drone about 50 yards ahead of you who is looking to turn right onto the same street and lane you are traveling on….. waits until you are about 5 feet from them before they decide that now is a great time to turn and when you slam on the brakes and honk they flip you off. Old people… now this is a sensitive issue but I gotta tell ya…. Old drones on the road are the worst. They change lanes without signaling, drive about 15 miles under the posted speed-limit, and get all bent outta shape when they cause an accident because they are stupid.

5) Online Drones - Sorry but you folks on AOL really piss me off ( yes you too Mom ). I do a bit of business on Newsgroups ( usenet ) and Ebay but without fail I always get a question like, “ Should I give you my Credit Card info now? “ or “ I am the high bidder…. Should I pay now or later? “ or “ Why haven’t you sent the item? Do you expect me to pay for it before I see it? “ or “ Why have you left negative feedback….. I told you I would pay you eventually. “ Sigh.

The bottom line is that I hate drones….. Now the real lesson…. How not to be a drone? Look behind you… I realize it takes a second out of your busy day. Is the person behind looking mad? Well it could be they are mad because you are a drone. Well rant done and to all you drones out there in cyberland….. I know where you live!

Would you like to give me a break, show off your writing talent or just write some crap just to see if I will post it (i probably would if it makes me laugh at 3am when i am plowed and just getting in from the clubs). Feel free to email me any submission you think is worthy. All that I ask is that it it YOUR writing and/or you have gotten permission from whomever it belongs to send it for possible posting. Have a great Memorial Day everyone.