So as I am glued to my couch with a bum leg - I flipped around the channels last nite looking for something to criticize, imitate, or throw spit wads at. I could hardly believe my luck when I found "Glutton Bowl." My god - words fail me for why that even made it as a competition much less on the airwaves.

My parents were victims to watching it with me, as the one with the most physical problems gets the remote (that means me). As I need to view events on TV that make me feel better about my life since my leg breaking - this was the best thing for me to watch next to Jerry Springer. I promised to flip back and forth from the Olympics when there was figure skating on, but luckily (or unluckily as you will read) that never came on until after this disgusting display of pigs inhabiting men's bodies. (wait - isn't that an oxymoron?)

Anyway...

There was no preparing Mom and I for what we were about to see. Mostly large men (though there were some guys that were actually in shape for "egg battle") shoveling in their mouths what food substance they could in five minutes worth of time and trying their best to keep what seemed to be sticking in their esophagus from spurting into their plates. Mom and I were on the verge of hurling as well. I couldn't believe that TV could move me so much that I would want to throw up on mom's nice carpeting. Mom at least had a chance - she was near the sink. At one point mom asked to hold one of my stuffed animals I usually have to cover my face at horror movies and I declined her that privilege as I was afraid she would throw up on it.

I think the worst one to watch was the "mayonnaise battle." I had to imagine it was ice cream. This one guy ate 7 pounds worth of mayonnaise in five minutes time. Ick. In the middle of "cow tongue" battle we prayed that figure skating was on to relieve us from this horror. The only thing that kept us from changing the station was the "witty" commentary. My parents and I didn't change the channel for fear of missing the nuggets of wisdom spew forth from the commentators' mouths. I took some notes. Here is a sampling:

"Look at the way he is handling and eating his meat"
"His eating style is taking a slightly different approach than (insert another gluttonous fool's name who is eating at the same table with him)"
"He's having trouble getting his burp on"
"... this is textbook gobbling, folks."
"There are no condiments to aid in the lubricant of swallowing"
"He fought down a mighty mighty sway of upwardness, ladies and gentleman'
"History is being made..."

The contestants themselves had quirky things about them that they didn't mind sharing with the country. As these proud obese men waddled out to the stage - a list of their stats and "fun" facts would be shown out to the side. My two personal favs were "Once ate an entire python" and "is banned from an All-You-Can-Eat shrimp bar." I know I want something just as magnanimous next to my name if ever I was introduced on the Springer show. (editor note: It'll never happen).

Of course then there was our own peanut gallery that had a lot to say - namely Dad. Dad wanted to point out that there were silver buckets next to each person in case they couldn't "win their own personal gagging battle." Gross. Only Dad would point out these things. Glutton Cam seemed also to surface (and be two inches from the contestant's face) when a person was having troubles "fighting a sway of upwardness."

I also noticed other things. I can't get over the fact that I saw one of these men shove four hot dogs in his mouth at once while dipping the buns they went with in his water so they would go down easier. And I will never forget that the guy that was trying to eat a fifteen foot sushi roll disqualified his own self and backed away from the food terrified after almost puking on himself. I also know that I am not the only one that watched the winner of this entire debacle eat over 40 cow brains and wonder "What were you thinking?".

I will have you know that as I write this almost 24 hours after this was shown - I still have no appetite and neither does Mom. We actually taped this for future screenings if ever we want to go on a diet or feel like we need to lose a few pounds. I don't even want to be on a diet. Why didn't they post a warning for shows like this?